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How Emma Watson and America Ruined EVERYTHING.

May 14, 2011

I always get nervous when people bring up accents. I can do Southern, but, living where I do in Southern Indiana, most people don’t find that noteworthy.

 
 

 
 

There is only one other accent I can do, but I shudder at having to bring it up during conversations like these. It makes me wish I would have practiced something while I was young and malleable and had friends who would only make fun of me shortly and then forget, instead of bringing it up as a funny anecdote to share every time we hang out with new people. I mean, come on. Even a one-line Sean Connery impersonation would be better than the one I have.

 
 

 
 

*Sigh*

 
 

Enough stalling, Emily.

 
 

 
 

It’s Hermione Granger from Harry Potter.

 
 

 
 

When you stop laughing, I’ll tell you why.

 
 

 
 

You see, when I was ten, try outs were held for the Harry Potter cast. I wanted so badly to be Hermione Granger. I ate, slept, and breathed the books, memorizing quotes and behaving just like her (which wasn’t a stretch – I used to be convinced her character was based on me).

 
 

 

 

 
 

My cousin and I even spent a month growing out a patch of grass on the lawn, which we then cut and used for broom bristles on our personal flying brooms.

   

We tried desperately to make them work.

 
 

 
 

Then our parents took them away from us.

 
 

After a month of dedicating myself to the role, I felt ready.

 
 

I brought up my wish to my mom, and she whole-heartedly embraced my dream. But the next day, she found the information regarding casting calls and discovered that they were open to British children only.

 
 

I didn’t quite understand that this meant I was disqualified. I thought it just meant I had to learn a British accent.

 
 

Our classroom had a copy of the first Harry Potter on tape, and the dude reading it was British. So from that moment on, I spent my recesses learning to read Harry Potter in a British accent.

 
 

 
 

I was not a happy camper when I found out it wasn’t just the accent that made a person British.

 
 

 
 

I was completely and utterly crushed. I had to reevaluate my life and come up with an entirely new future plan.

 
 

So, not only did I get gipped on playing the part of Hermione Granger (I really very strongly dislike you, Emma Watson), but I never even got to learn a full British accent. Because – get this – my British is limited to quotes from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

 
 

Thanks a lot, America. If you would have just lost the stupid war, I could be rich, famous, and kissing Rupert Grint right about now.

 
 

If only...

 
 

We could have made the cutest ginger babies EVER.

 
 
 
 

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. May 14, 2011 8:09 pm

    I was too old (and American) to audition for Harry Potter, but, to this day, whenever I watch a HP movie, I speak in a British accent for at least the rest of the day, if not half the next. I’m sure it’s bad because, like you, I only know HP phrases and have to wing the rest.

    Oh, and I don’t drink tea (hot, that is). 🙂

    • May 15, 2011 11:35 am

      Haha, I found that two things increase my probability of a British accent escaping my lips: Harry-Potter-movie-watching, and sleep deprivation. Once, on my Australian trip, I was utterly exhausted, and our tour guide let out some slang term in a heavy Aussie accent. I responded by saying the word in a British accent and laughing hysterically, and he thought I was making fun of him (badly)! It wasn’t exactly a highlight of the trip…

  2. lifewith4cats permalink
    May 15, 2011 2:27 am

    I like to say the phrase, “would you care for a spot O tea?” In a British accent. And then I heard a british guy say the word scedule. I love the word scedule in Brit.

    • May 15, 2011 11:32 am

      Sssedule!!! I love that one too! Also, from Pirates of the Caribbean, “Hello Poppet.”

      • May 15, 2011 11:37 am

        PS – do you think they’re all mimicking Sean Connery with the “shedule” thing?

  3. May 15, 2011 7:08 am

    Cold tea – never quite got that. We like it hot, like the Brits – with milk and sugar. 😀

    I do a much better British accent than I do an American one, although I can manage any accent if I am actually with a group of people with whatever accent it is. Quite embarrassing actually, as they often think one is mimicking them when in fact it just happens.

    Tally ho, old chap: stiff upper lip and all that. Off to Ascot, don’t you know.

    I think I’m the only person on the planet who has not read Harry Potter or seen any of the movies. But I have seen the Vampire ones either.

    • May 15, 2011 11:31 am

      HOLD. THE. PHONE.

      Robyn, that is simply not acceptable. My mom used to be in the same boat, and despite my pleadings, she refused to read the book and it sat on her bedside table for months. I think she was put off that it was a book her 11 year old was reading. Then one day she gave it a try, and she fell in love. Then it became me and her fighting over our new copies to be the first one to read them. SO. I don’t care if you never see the movies, but gurrrrrrl, you have to read the books!

      And regarding Twilight, meh. I loved them because every once in a while I need a sappy ridiculous teen romance, and then the movies became a bonding social experience for my friends and I – even though we haven’t talked in months, we’re still going to go see the new movie together. BUT HARRY POTTER IS A NECESSITY.

      • Emily's Mom permalink
        May 15, 2011 1:30 pm

        Emily is completely and totally correct. One must pick up a Harry Potter book and become entranced in the adventure. Since that day I have never ignored my daughter’s book recommendations.

        • May 15, 2011 3:37 pm

          I find my son always has excellent book suggestions as well and he’s 12.

          Emily, I hear ya about the Twilight thing. Not great, barely even good, writing, but I can’t resist a good teen romance either. And I have plans to see the new movies ASAP, just so I can have the real life brooding, sappy, and angst-ridden smoldering looks. God help me, that Edward is nice to look at, even with the sickly palor.

          Robyn, nip on over to the bookstore, buy the Harry Potter books.
          Then put the kettle on, turn off the telly, plant your bum in a comfortable chair, start reading, and Bob’s your uncle. Trust me, you’ll be gobsmacked when you see how wicked good they are.

  4. July 30, 2011 1:12 am

    Being English (no Englishman considers themselves British) I for one don’t talk like that, nor do I know where they speak like that, they certainly don’t in London lol. I hate tea aswell =\

    • July 30, 2011 11:02 am

      At Hogwarts of course! And if I go to Britain, I’m sure as Hell going there for Hogwarts first and foremost. 😉

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