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D.E.A.D.

May 21, 2011

Whatever you have heard, Mr. Harold Camping is unbelievably and undeniably wrong about today. I mean, really? Judgment Day?! Noooo, no, no, Mr. Camping, you are very, very wrong.

 
 
 

Today is actually Death to Everything and Anyone Day (D.E.A.D.).

 
 
 

 
 
 

I have even assembled a set of evidence to prove it:

 
 
 

1)      May 21st seems totally and completely normal. Everyone knows that horrible, environmentally cataclysmic events like thunderstorms do not have any warning signs whatsoever. Other cataclysmic events also occur without warning. Once I woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and got all the way to school before I noticed a booger on my nose.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it would otherwise be UNEVENTFUL.

 
 
 

2)      Nostradamus’ Quatrain XLVIIFKS says:

 

On the seventh day lightning strikes twenty one,

The blood of the just will topple from the throne,

The greater one will cause it to be dragged in an iron cage,

From the enslaved people, devils food cake.

 

Obviously, the seventh day refers to the seventh day of the week, Saturday. Lightning strikes happened somewhere today. Twenty-one means May 21. The blood of the just is just people’s blood, and it’s going to fall from a throne. Which means people’s blood is going to be EVERYWHERE. And then I’m skipping the third line. Enslaved people is everyone who has ever had to work. Devils food cake means we’re going to eat OUR FINAL MEAL. Because who else could afford those kind of calories?

 
 

I don’t care what they say. Nostradamus was as sane as they come.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Nostradamus said so.

 
 
 

3)      The Mayans said the world would end in 2012. But… their entire civilization got wiped out. So apparently they weren’t exactly ‘expert predictors.’

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it does not occur during 2012.

 
 
 

4)      My cats. They act really weird when a tornado is coming or solicitors knock on the door. Using logic to deduce that they can predict horrific events, it would be apparent that any abnormal activity from them on this Day of DEAD would seal our fates. This morning when I woke up, I rushed up to my sleeping kitty and asked him “ARE WE GOING TO DIE?!” And he bolted from the living room and hid under a bed! When cats are afraid to nap, the world is in a truly sorry state.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because my cat acted abnormally.

 
 
 

5)      I discovered a code in a sacred text. This morning I opened up the newspaper and right under the headlines it said “CAMPING SAYS MAY 21 TO BE DOOMSDAY?” After using the complicated code system I slaved for hours to uncover, one can read the true message as: “MAY 21 DOOMSDAY.” Clearly we are all going to die.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because of a super secret nearly impossible to detect hidden message code in my newspaper.

 
 
 

6)      I have an essay due on Monday that I’ll have to do tomorrow if the world still exists…

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Emily is avoiding homework.

 
 
 

7)      Starfish. They have five points. They are sometimes pink. According to my little cousin, a certain starfish named Patrick is a saint because of Irish people.

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because starfish.

 
 
 

I ran out of ideas on number 7. That proves my hypothesis even further because seven is a lucky number and luck favors wide-scale death.

 
 
 

So there you have it! Go eat something fattening, kiss someone you love, and find a good seat for the coolest fireworks show ever, because today is the day the earth explodes.

 
 
 
 
 

DISCLAIMER: Absolutely no research was done for this doomsday prediction.

 
 
 
 

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. May 21, 2011 7:17 pm

    Hey! May 22nd here already! Not D.E.A.D. or raptured. Eating chocolate (bad).

    • May 21, 2011 7:33 pm

      Well… this is embarrassing… perhaps there was an error in my evidence…

  2. midaevalmaiden permalink
    May 22, 2011 1:02 am

    hehehe, I missed these cartoon posts. I think Patrick may have jinxed the calculations. He can’t count and he eats stuff a lot. That could have thrown off the global centrificator hoozamajig.

    • May 23, 2011 7:36 am

      Patrick Star’s innumeracy and over-eating definitely threw off the global centrificator hoozamajig. And to think those darn Irish made him a saint.

  3. May 22, 2011 2:00 am

    It seems there was an technical hitch: This public service announcement was just delivered to the station.

    ATTENTION ALL JUDGEMENT and DOOMSDAY BELIEVERS::
    Due to technical difficulties… The scheduled END OF WORLD event has been postponed. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. If you have already quit your job, given away your life savings or liquidated all of your assets… Oopps… Our bad! We will attempt another doomsday event in December, 2012. Please stay tuned.
    Oh… Have a nice day

  4. May 23, 2011 1:01 am

    “And then I’m skipping the third line.” Very wise.

    Love the post–it’s as hilarious as it is wrong.

    • May 23, 2011 7:31 am

      LOL. I wondered if anyone would catch that. It’s kind of sad, though, that I couldn’t even interpret my own quatrain. I wonder if Nostradamus ever felt that way…

      It’s even sadder that all of that b.s. research went to waste; as alas, we are all still alive.

  5. midaevalmaiden permalink
    May 23, 2011 1:31 am

    oh and I forgot to say, I lOVE the Nostradamus pictures.

    • May 23, 2011 7:26 am

      Hahahahaha…. my favorite part is that crazy Nostradamus is naked except for his hat… :]

  6. May 23, 2011 5:50 am

    Bwahahahahaha If I may say so.
    😀

  7. June 3, 2011 11:57 pm

    I loved this post. Hehehe.
    If we lived in the same place, I would actually really consider wanting to hang out with you, which is rare because I cannot, for the life of me, get along with any girls I meet… =/
    Anyway, most of your posts make me laugh.
    I love em 😀

  8. July 11, 2011 11:20 pm

    LOVE IT! And walking all the way to school with a boogie on your nose… Horrific. I once went through the day with a used pantyliner stuck to my shoe. It must have fallen out of the bin and I trod on it.

    That was a dark day indeed.

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