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My Kitties!!!

SUZIE!

 

 
Suzie is unfathomably beautiful. She was the runt of her litter, so she is small and dainty. She has marbled sea-green eyes, a long grey calico coat, and soft, curly white chest and belly hair.
 

Must be on back to attack toy.


 
In her old age, she has developed a butt-wrinkle. It is the cutest thing imaginable.
 
She is our head bitch. Not only does she hobble around on her old hips squalling out her head-bitchy-position within the kitty hierarchy, but she takes on the role of mother in our household. Her purr is a steady, powerful rattle that can put the best insomniacs to sleep in moments.
 

Don't mess with her.


 
Suzie is my oldest kitty. She’s purebred, so at 13, she’s oooooooold. Don’t worry, though. She’s purebred phoenix, so she’ll be a kitten again soon.
 
But for now, poor Suzie is just a senile old fart. Literally. She is more gaseous than my elderly aunt these days.
 
And the poor thing has forgotten how to use the litter box. In her current state of mind, she is convinced that placing her head in the litter box means her butt is there too.
 
Suzie only weighs six pounds (which she has since she was three). So this winter I had to resort to dressing her in a horrible little ugly sweater. The other kitties made fun of her, but she put them in their place, because she’s the head bitch: and the head bitch really liked her warm and cozy sweater.
 

Kitten Suzie enjoying the warmth of my bed 🙂


 

She enjoys blankets too.


 
Oh, and Suzie is a ninja. Countless times I’ve looked down to notice that not only has she snuck onto my lap, but I’ve been petting her long enough to work up a good fur-cloud. She has the ability to work her way onto your lap and make you pet her, all without you noticing a thing.
   

FIGGIE!

 

 
Before we had Figgie, she lived with some friends of ours. She was so wild during her first few months that they decided checking for her gender was more of a risk than necessary.
 
So they assumed she was a boy and named her Figaro.
 
When our friends moved, they were worried about bringing a wild kitten into a brand new house. Luckily we’d bonded with her and offered to take her in. We soon discovered she was not a boy, but we didn’t have the heart to change her name. It causes a lot of confusion when we introduce her to guests.
 
And because of this, Figgie has issues. She now flaunts her correct gender by begging for ribbons and acting like a total diva all the time, sauntering through the house all sleek, glossy, slender and long as if she’s on a catwalk (HAHAHAHAHAHA).
 

Yes, she gets a dress for prom, too. She wouldn't have it any other way.


 
And Figgie compensates for her misunderstood youth by acting the exact opposite of how she used to. Her wildness is now covered by a decoy of comfort and relaxation. Don’t be fooled though – walking up to a sleeping Figgie is usually an invite to chase her somewhere. Figgie also has the habit of leaping up from cuddling on your lap with the force of an agile elephant, launching herself squarely from your gut.
 

Sleeping requires the body twisted in two different directions.


 
Best of all, Figgie enjoys chasing slivers of light. Unbeknown to us, the reflective screens of our cell phones were invented solely for her enjoyment.
 
But Figgie has a soft side. She befriends everyone and is in love with my baby cousin. She sleeps so soundly she snores. Miss Figgs is always happy – so long as there is someone around to rub her belly.
 

Bonded from birth.


 

 
Figgie loves getting her picture taken too much, though. She doesn’t quite understand the concept of distance, so in her dance to get in the camera, most photos turn out like this:
 

  

GUINNESS!

 

 

Guinness is my baby. As in, even though he’s four, he makes little baby cooes when he’s sleeping. He will do absolutely anything for attention. He walks around with a permanent air of smugness about him.
 

Total ham.


 
He also thinks he’s a dog.
 
He follows me everywhere, brings me prizes in the form of hair ties and plastic, and defends me from invisible fiends and the doorbell. He is quite partial to the outdoors so long as he can walk on pavement and we don’t go near any vehicles – moving or parked. He’s completely codependent and refuses to eat alone.
 
Guinness is the only male allowed in the house. He takes this role very seriously and despises with a passion any other testosterone-ladled monstrosity that crosses our threshold…. including my two year old cousin. The poor thing loves cats, too, but the noise he makes to signify the word for ‘kitty’ is just an elongated ‘k,’ which to Guinness sounds like a hissing challenge to his territory.

 

Males on television are also banned.

 
Guinness’ life-long goal is to eat as much people food as possible. He enjoys creeping over your shoulder or holding your hand while you eat. It usually works.
 

Begging for food - this chair is next to the stove where we cook his favorite dish, chicken.


 

CAUGHT IN THE ACT!


 
Recently we discovered that Guinness follows a pattern when in mortal fear. You know – the kind that comes from a gentle rainstorm or a parked car. First he completely spazzes out, and then he becomes paralyzed from the eyes down. The goal during tornado sirens is to keep his spazzing to a confined area of safety and then embrace the paralysis as a terrific form of obedience.
 

Another object of mortal fear.


 
Every day is a test of what object he can cram himself inside. He has a fetish for constricted areas and sewing projects.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Yes, those are my pants.)


  
———————————————————————————–
  
PICTURE TIME! (Pictures of the gang)
 

Gathered around the watering hole.


 

 

He's an excellent guard-kitty... scary one too.


 

Nap-buddies


  

5 Comments leave one →
  1. April 28, 2011 1:06 am

    wowzers, I didnt know you had so many! This page is really good! Based on the pic of him with the sippie cup boy? Ide nickname figgie ‘muffin head’ on acount of his big fat face in the picture. Which one of the kitties is the one who is a cartoon, is it Fig? So I can write about him. Ok, I grabbed a couple of pics off of here, but Ill be back again when it is time to write the post.

    But really this is so good, are you sure you dont want to post this publicly as a Topic?

    • April 28, 2011 11:06 am

      Thanks!

      The cat from my Off-Color Bird Watching was actually Guinness. He pretends to be a big scary guard kitty but in reality he’s a big baby.

      I thought about posting this publicly, but it’s so outside the sphere of P.O.R.N. I suppose I could do some illustrations up… but honestly I’ve been feeling quite contained by this blog, and I love it to death, but I might have to start a second one for things like this that I want to talk about but don’t fit in with P.O.R.N…. Midaeval Maiden is my muse, I guess 😉 I’m just so scared to start another one, something so open ended. But I have to keep reminding myself those posts won’t take days and days like the ones for P.O.R.N.

      GAH! So many things running through my mind. I think it’s my way of procrastinating for finals. Ha.

      By the way, you really don’t have to do something about my kitties on “Readers’ Pets” if you don’t have time – I totally understand and wouldn’t want you to feel obligated!

    • April 28, 2011 11:08 am

      You know what? I am going to start another blog. I’ll let you know when it’s up. Probably soon judging by my procrastination techniques.

  2. April 30, 2011 8:43 pm

    Fantastic!! I was super nervous about starting my second blog. But the thing is, now I almost like it better than my other one. Because, unlike everybody else who just writes a blog without pictures… you understand the kind of work thats invoved when also hand illustrating the pics. I love my cat blog and write the posts so easily, but I cant submit them without pictures and I procrastinate the photos and drawings.

    Thats what I love about personal blogging. There is no obligaton or schedual to follow. Though its still scary and weird. Give it time. 🙂 oh yeah, and I do plan to showcase your 3 kitties. Ill be doing it after my evil catwoman posts are done. and also will be spacing them out between my posts and the showcase posts, 1 a week.

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