Semiomniterrestravorianism

Semiomniterrestravorianism:

noun

1. The belief or practice of excluding all non-land meats from one’s diet.

2. Why I absolutely, positively, cannot and will not ever eat seafood.

As a child, eating out was reserved for only the most special of occasions. My cousin enjoyed disrupting most family events, so we liked to keep his opportunities to a minimum (AKA, we were cheap). But then, for my grandma’s birthday, we decided to go to Red Lobster.

 

Naturally, I was curious about this new restaurant.

 

“Mommy, what do they have to eat there?”

“They have seafood, honey.”

 

SEE-FOOD?! Holy knickerbockers, it was going to be like Noble Roman’s, where we got to watch them make our pizzas! Only Red Lobster was a special occasion eatery, so it had to be a million times better, and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how a place could be better than Noble Roman’s.

 

We got all gussied up. I danced my way into the car, where my cousins and I argued over who got window seats. Then, on the way there, we argued about what we were all going to order. There was talk of five gold necklaces and a flower.

 

 

But  at the sight of Red Lobster, we stopped fighting.

 

I was stunned speechless by the grandeur of such an establishment. Compared to McDonald’s, this was Ariel’s castle. Someone opened the door for us and we were led inside, where they took our names and instructed us to have a seat while they prepared our table. The boys attempted to start a game of tag, but I was very intent on putting on my most lady-like behavior… Plus, their plans were squashed pretty quickly by my aunt.

 

I sat, gazing in awe at the nautical decor, when I noticed, for the first time, the lobster tank.

 

 

I abandoned my proper-lady-impersonation and ran to my new best friend. His name was Allan and back home in the ocean he was a school teacher at Shrimp School. Allan was a family man, with a wife, two kids and a tuna fish, and he was here to pick up take out for a special occasion – little Josie’s birthday! I told him all about Elementary School and my choir concert and my kitties and my mean cousins who he should never ever be friends with because I was so much more important, and we laughed, and laughed, and laughed…

 

And then a waiter came to pick up Allan from the tank, and took him back to the kitchens. I waved goodbye, and told him to make sure he got back home with that take out before it got cold, because I highly doubted they had microwaves in the ocean.

 

 

After a few more minutes of playing-proper, we got called back to our table. My mother ordered me mozzarella sticks and a chocolate milk, and the boys and I fought over silverware and biscuits. Eventually we settled down and I began drawing on my menu. Then the food came.

 

The waitress handed me my plate of mozzarella sticks, and I happily dove in. But I kept smelling something like fish sticks, and I really liked fish sticks, so I looked around to make sure my cousins didn’t have something better than me.

 

 

 

I wonder how my life would have been different if I had kept my attention on my own plate…

 

 

I have a feeling I’d still like fish sticks…