D.E.A.D.

Whatever you have heard, Mr. Harold Camping is unbelievably and undeniably wrong about today. I mean, really? Judgment Day?! Noooo, no, no, Mr. Camping, you are very, very wrong.

 
 
 

Today is actually Death to Everything and Anyone Day (D.E.A.D.).

 
 
 

 
 
 

I have even assembled a set of evidence to prove it:

 
 
 

1)      May 21^st seems totally and completely normal. Everyone knows that horrible, environmentally cataclysmic events like thunderstorms do not have any warning signs whatsoever. Other cataclysmic events also occur without warning. Once I woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and got all the way to school before I noticed a booger on my nose.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it would otherwise be UNEVENTFUL.

 
 
 

2)      Nostradamus’ Quatrain XLVIIFKS says:

 

On the seventh day lightning strikes twenty one,

The blood of the just will topple from the throne,

The greater one will cause it to be dragged in an iron cage,

From the enslaved people, devils food cake.

 

Obviously, the seventh day refers to the seventh day of the week, Saturday. Lightning strikes happened somewhere today. Twenty-one means May 21. The blood of the just is just people’s blood, and it’s going to fall from a throne. Which means people’s blood is going to be EVERYWHERE. And then I’m skipping the third line. Enslaved people is everyone who has ever had to work. Devils food cake means we’re going to eat OUR FINAL MEAL. Because who else could afford those kind of calories?

 
 

I don’t care what they say. Nostradamus was as sane as they come.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Nostradamus said so.

 
 
 

3)      The Mayans said the world would end in 2012. But… their entire civilization got wiped out. So apparently they weren’t exactly ‘expert predictors.’

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it does not occur during 2012.

 
 
 

4)      My cats. They act really weird when a tornado is coming or solicitors knock on the door. Using logic to deduce that they can predict horrific events, it would be apparent that any abnormal activity from them on this Day of DEAD would seal our fates. This morning when I woke up, I rushed up to my sleeping kitty and asked him “ARE WE GOING TO DIE?!” And he bolted from the living room and hid under a bed! When cats are afraid to nap, the world is in a truly sorry state.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because my cat acted abnormally.

 
 
 

5)      I discovered a code in a sacred text. This morning I opened up the newspaper and right under the headlines it said “CAMPING SAYS MAY 21 TO BE DOOMSDAY?” After using the complicated code system I slaved for hours to uncover, one can read the true message as: “MAY 21 DOOMSDAY.” Clearly we are all going to die.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because of a super secret nearly impossible to detect hidden message code in my newspaper.

 
 
 

6)      I have an essay due on Monday that I’ll have to do tomorrow if the world still exists…

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Emily is avoiding homework.

 
 
 

7)      Starfish. They have five points. They are sometimes pink. According to my little cousin, a certain starfish named Patrick is a saint because of Irish people.

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because starfish.

 
 
 

I ran out of ideas on number 7. That proves my hypothesis even further because seven is a lucky number and luck favors wide-scale death.

 
 
 

So there you have it! Go eat something fattening, kiss someone you love, and find a good seat for the coolest fireworks show ever, because today is the day the earth explodes.

 
 
 
 
 

DISCLAIMER: Absolutely no research was done for this doomsday prediction.