Forever in Neverland: Part Two
First, a quick update: I’ve decided that instead of selfishly posting whenever I feel like it, I’m going to start doing it on a regular schedule. Off-colors and extra posts will still be randomly added, but the main weekly post will now be put online each Wednesday! It only seemed appropriate to choose Hump-day.
Be sure to tune in each Wednesday for your weekly dose of P.O.R.N.!
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming (I get to say that now!!!).
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A lot of people my age lie to make themselves older. These were the same kids who enjoyed birthday parties, looked forward to going places without their parents, and couldn’t wait to be done with school. Also known as virtually everyone in the world but me.
Because I, on the other hand, lie to make myself younger.
It was hard, at first. With my so-called “21-year-old” friends surrounding me, it was very difficult to convince them I’d only be turning 18 last December. They resisted my antics, pointing out that I had signed a contract, that I had a credit card, and that I was a sophomore in college. Then I had them over to my house, and once they’d seen my room, they began to falter in their resolve. By the time my party rolled around, they were convinced.
I am going to be the best age-lier in history. My gravestone won’t even know what to say.
Because the fact is that when complete strangers guess my age, they always think I’m an underclassman in high school. And once they catch wind of my favorite things, I’d prefer that they think I’m an underclassman in high school.
Last Friday I went to a Taylor Swift concert.
I honest to God had the best night ever. It can only be outshone by actually meeting her. Or my wedding. Because she will be singing at it.
Even if it means I’m getting married barefoot in the woods, without any guests, and wearing a garbage bag, she will be there.
First off, it was fantasmagorical just because it was Taylor Swift. She and I are super best buddies (she just doesn’t know it yet). I only discovered her music in November, but since then I have memorized the lyrics to all three of her albums.
Second, the tickets that I thought were for the crappiest, most limited-view seats possible actually landed me ten feet from the side section of the stage. When I saw, I almost peed my skirt.
After enduring two hours of her sock-stuffed and arrogant but amazingly talented boy-toy opening acts, the goddess herself rose up onstage through a trapdoor. The cheers were absolutely deafening and I found myself hoping I’d still be able to hear the songs afterwards. She stood center stage for only a few minutes before turning and walking straight towards our end of the stage. The girl next to me began to hyperventilate and we all leaned forward, drawn closer like magnets.
The closer she got, the more transfixed I became, and by the time she stood firmly at our end of the stage, I did the thing I never thought I’d do.
All the clever lines I’d come up with, things I could have shouted to claim eye contact and sequentially decide I could cross meeting her off my bucket list, all the preparation of getting the camera app up on my phone so I could snap one in seconds if the moment called, all the times I’d arrogantly claimed I would never be starstruck by celebrities – all of it in vain. Wasted. Mockery.
Because as Taylor Swift stood there ten feet in front of me, I balled my fucking eyes out.
I should probably start telling people I’m turning 12 this December.
Off Color Justice
Forever In Neverland
You guys, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never, EVER, going to grow up.
Exhibit One: My Bedroom
I go through my stuff all the time, trying to get rid of things I really don’t need, and I end up throwing away all the things I’ve collected recently and hanging onto things I got when I was between the ages of 3 and 13.
At least my mom can be sure there’s no sex happening in there.
Exhibit Two: My Bookshelf
I recently reordered it so that my favorite and most reread books are at eye level.
I consider myself a fairy intelligent young woman who makes good choices.
…Really, I do.
Exhibit Three: My Diet
I order from the kids’ menu. And if they won’t let me? I order side dishes like mashed potatoes or mac and cheese. God forbid I eat vegetables in public… I tend to make a very distinctive and readily mocked kid face.
You know the one I’m talking about. Like when a kid tries a new veggie? That face they make as they bite in and strongly dislike what they’ve discovered but know they can’t get out of it so they try and contain their disgust but haven’t yet mastered the art of masking their emotions?
Yeah, that one.
I would sooo rather bear the ridicule of ordering from a children’s menu than look depressed and constipated.
Exhibit Four: The Future
I was talking to my mom’s friend when he asked me about my plans for the future. I immediately responded with the parent-directed speech about my majors, my minors, my extracurriculars and honors, when he looked at me and said, “But what about after college?”
And thank God I stopped myself, because the first thing that popped into my head was “I want to be a princess, of course!”
It’s okay – I don’t know about me either.
So then I shoved some food in my mouth (what I would have given for a Twix) so I could have some time to really think about it, and I knew I wanted to be a writer. But then my next thought was, ‘How the Hell am I going to afford my stuffed animals and teen novels and picky diet as a writer?!’ And there I was back at the princess idea.
So… what’s the chance you guys know any available princes my age? Because otherwise I’m pretty much screwed.
By the way, I’m back. 🙂
D.E.A.D.
Whatever you have heard, Mr. Harold Camping is unbelievably and undeniably wrong about today. I mean, really? Judgment Day?! Noooo, no, no, Mr. Camping, you are very, very wrong.
Today is actually Death to Everything and Anyone Day (D.E.A.D.).
I have even assembled a set of evidence to prove it:
1) May 21st seems totally and completely normal. Everyone knows that horrible, environmentally cataclysmic events like thunderstorms do not have any warning signs whatsoever. Other cataclysmic events also occur without warning. Once I woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and got all the way to school before I noticed a booger on my nose.
MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it would otherwise be UNEVENTFUL.
2) Nostradamus’ Quatrain XLVIIFKS says:
On the seventh day lightning strikes twenty one,
The blood of the just will topple from the throne,
The greater one will cause it to be dragged in an iron cage,
From the enslaved people, devils food cake.
Obviously, the seventh day refers to the seventh day of the week, Saturday. Lightning strikes happened somewhere today. Twenty-one means May 21. The blood of the just is just people’s blood, and it’s going to fall from a throne. Which means people’s blood is going to be EVERYWHERE. And then I’m skipping the third line. Enslaved people is everyone who has ever had to work. Devils food cake means we’re going to eat OUR FINAL MEAL. Because who else could afford those kind of calories?
I don’t care what they say. Nostradamus was as sane as they come.
MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Nostradamus said so.
3) The Mayans said the world would end in 2012. But… their entire civilization got wiped out. So apparently they weren’t exactly ‘expert predictors.’
MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it does not occur during 2012.
4) My cats. They act really weird when a tornado is coming or solicitors knock on the door. Using logic to deduce that they can predict horrific events, it would be apparent that any abnormal activity from them on this Day of DEAD would seal our fates. This morning when I woke up, I rushed up to my sleeping kitty and asked him “ARE WE GOING TO DIE?!” And he bolted from the living room and hid under a bed! When cats are afraid to nap, the world is in a truly sorry state.
MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because my cat acted abnormally.
5) I discovered a code in a sacred text. This morning I opened up the newspaper and right under the headlines it said “CAMPING SAYS MAY 21 TO BE DOOMSDAY?” After using the complicated code system I slaved for hours to uncover, one can read the true message as: “MAY 21 DOOMSDAY.” Clearly we are all going to die.
MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because of a super secret nearly impossible to detect hidden message code in my newspaper.
6) I have an essay due on Monday that I’ll have to do tomorrow if the world still exists…
MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Emily is avoiding homework.
7) Starfish. They have five points. They are sometimes pink. According to my little cousin, a certain starfish named Patrick is a saint because of Irish people.
MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because starfish.
I ran out of ideas on number 7. That proves my hypothesis even further because seven is a lucky number and luck favors wide-scale death.
So there you have it! Go eat something fattening, kiss someone you love, and find a good seat for the coolest fireworks show ever, because today is the day the earth explodes.
DISCLAIMER: Absolutely no research was done for this doomsday prediction.
Paroxysm of Outrageous Random News 