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Forever In Neverland

July 25, 2011

You guys, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never, EVER, going to grow up.
 
 

Exhibit One: My Bedroom

 
 
I think it's awesome! :D
 
 
I go through my stuff all the time, trying to get rid of things I really don’t need, and I end up throwing away all the things I’ve collected recently and hanging onto things I got when I was between the ages of 3 and 13.
 
 
At least my mom can be sure there’s no sex happening in there.
 
 

Exhibit Two: My Bookshelf

 
 
I recently reordered it so that my favorite and most reread books are at eye level.
 
 
It looks so much more organized in cartoon form...
 
 
I consider myself a fairy intelligent young woman who makes good choices.
 
 
…Really, I do.
 
 

Exhibit Three: My Diet

 
 
I order from the kids’ menu. And if they won’t let me? I order side dishes like mashed potatoes or mac and cheese. God forbid I eat vegetables in public… I tend to make a very distinctive and readily mocked kid face.
 
 
You know the one I’m talking about. Like when a kid tries a new veggie? That face they make as they bite in and strongly dislike what they’ve discovered but know they can’t get out of it so they try and contain their disgust but haven’t yet mastered the art of masking their emotions?
 
 
I bet he's eating cauliflower.
 
 
Yeah, that one.
 
 
I would sooo rather bear the ridicule of ordering from a children’s menu than look depressed and constipated.
 
 

Exhibit Four: The Future

 
 
I was talking to my mom’s friend when he asked me about my plans for the future. I immediately responded with the parent-directed speech about my majors, my minors, my extracurriculars and honors, when he looked at me and said, “But what about after college?”
 
 
And thank God I stopped myself, because the first thing that popped into my head was “I want to be a princess, of course!”
 
 
I'm a princess!!!
 
 
It’s okay – I don’t know about me either.
 
 
So then I shoved some food in my mouth (what I would have given for a Twix) so I could have some time to really think about it, and I knew I wanted to be a writer. But then my next thought was, ‘How the Hell am I going to afford my stuffed animals and teen novels and picky diet as a writer?!’ And there I was back at the princess idea.
 
 
So… what’s the chance you guys know any available princes my age? Because otherwise I’m pretty much screwed.
 
 
 
By the way, I’m back. 🙂
 
 

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BBL guys, I gotta go defeat the siamese-summer-professor twins.

May 22, 2011

D.E.A.D.

May 21, 2011

Whatever you have heard, Mr. Harold Camping is unbelievably and undeniably wrong about today. I mean, really? Judgment Day?! Noooo, no, no, Mr. Camping, you are very, very wrong.

 
 
 

Today is actually Death to Everything and Anyone Day (D.E.A.D.).

 
 
 

 
 
 

I have even assembled a set of evidence to prove it:

 
 
 

1)      May 21st seems totally and completely normal. Everyone knows that horrible, environmentally cataclysmic events like thunderstorms do not have any warning signs whatsoever. Other cataclysmic events also occur without warning. Once I woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast, and got all the way to school before I noticed a booger on my nose.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it would otherwise be UNEVENTFUL.

 
 
 

2)      Nostradamus’ Quatrain XLVIIFKS says:

 

On the seventh day lightning strikes twenty one,

The blood of the just will topple from the throne,

The greater one will cause it to be dragged in an iron cage,

From the enslaved people, devils food cake.

 

Obviously, the seventh day refers to the seventh day of the week, Saturday. Lightning strikes happened somewhere today. Twenty-one means May 21. The blood of the just is just people’s blood, and it’s going to fall from a throne. Which means people’s blood is going to be EVERYWHERE. And then I’m skipping the third line. Enslaved people is everyone who has ever had to work. Devils food cake means we’re going to eat OUR FINAL MEAL. Because who else could afford those kind of calories?

 
 

I don’t care what they say. Nostradamus was as sane as they come.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Nostradamus said so.

 
 
 

3)      The Mayans said the world would end in 2012. But… their entire civilization got wiped out. So apparently they weren’t exactly ‘expert predictors.’

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because it does not occur during 2012.

 
 
 

4)      My cats. They act really weird when a tornado is coming or solicitors knock on the door. Using logic to deduce that they can predict horrific events, it would be apparent that any abnormal activity from them on this Day of DEAD would seal our fates. This morning when I woke up, I rushed up to my sleeping kitty and asked him “ARE WE GOING TO DIE?!” And he bolted from the living room and hid under a bed! When cats are afraid to nap, the world is in a truly sorry state.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because my cat acted abnormally.

 
 
 

5)      I discovered a code in a sacred text. This morning I opened up the newspaper and right under the headlines it said “CAMPING SAYS MAY 21 TO BE DOOMSDAY?” After using the complicated code system I slaved for hours to uncover, one can read the true message as: “MAY 21 DOOMSDAY.” Clearly we are all going to die.

 
 

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because of a super secret nearly impossible to detect hidden message code in my newspaper.

 
 
 

6)      I have an essay due on Monday that I’ll have to do tomorrow if the world still exists…

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because Emily is avoiding homework.

 
 
 

7)      Starfish. They have five points. They are sometimes pink. According to my little cousin, a certain starfish named Patrick is a saint because of Irish people.

 
 

MAY 21, 2011 is D.E.A.D. because starfish.

 
 
 

I ran out of ideas on number 7. That proves my hypothesis even further because seven is a lucky number and luck favors wide-scale death.

 
 
 

So there you have it! Go eat something fattening, kiss someone you love, and find a good seat for the coolest fireworks show ever, because today is the day the earth explodes.

 
 
 
 
 

DISCLAIMER: Absolutely no research was done for this doomsday prediction.

 
 
 
 

How Emma Watson and America Ruined EVERYTHING.

May 14, 2011

I always get nervous when people bring up accents. I can do Southern, but, living where I do in Southern Indiana, most people don’t find that noteworthy.

 
 

 
 

There is only one other accent I can do, but I shudder at having to bring it up during conversations like these. It makes me wish I would have practiced something while I was young and malleable and had friends who would only make fun of me shortly and then forget, instead of bringing it up as a funny anecdote to share every time we hang out with new people. I mean, come on. Even a one-line Sean Connery impersonation would be better than the one I have.

 
 

 
 

*Sigh*

 
 

Enough stalling, Emily.

 
 

 
 

It’s Hermione Granger from Harry Potter.

 
 

 
 

When you stop laughing, I’ll tell you why.

 
 

 
 

You see, when I was ten, try outs were held for the Harry Potter cast. I wanted so badly to be Hermione Granger. I ate, slept, and breathed the books, memorizing quotes and behaving just like her (which wasn’t a stretch – I used to be convinced her character was based on me).

 
 

 

 

 
 

My cousin and I even spent a month growing out a patch of grass on the lawn, which we then cut and used for broom bristles on our personal flying brooms.

   

We tried desperately to make them work.

 
 

 
 

Then our parents took them away from us.

 
 

After a month of dedicating myself to the role, I felt ready.

 
 

I brought up my wish to my mom, and she whole-heartedly embraced my dream. But the next day, she found the information regarding casting calls and discovered that they were open to British children only.

 
 

I didn’t quite understand that this meant I was disqualified. I thought it just meant I had to learn a British accent.

 
 

Our classroom had a copy of the first Harry Potter on tape, and the dude reading it was British. So from that moment on, I spent my recesses learning to read Harry Potter in a British accent.

 
 

 
 

I was not a happy camper when I found out it wasn’t just the accent that made a person British.

 
 

 
 

I was completely and utterly crushed. I had to reevaluate my life and come up with an entirely new future plan.

 
 

So, not only did I get gipped on playing the part of Hermione Granger (I really very strongly dislike you, Emma Watson), but I never even got to learn a full British accent. Because – get this – my British is limited to quotes from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.

 
 

Thanks a lot, America. If you would have just lost the stupid war, I could be rich, famous, and kissing Rupert Grint right about now.

 
 

If only...

 
 

We could have made the cutest ginger babies EVER.

 
 
 
 

A Testament to Motherly Love

May 7, 2011

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

 
 

From the Moment you became my mother,

you have been my number One.

You loved me during my Terrible Twos

and even through the Havoc of my teenage years.

So in return, I will spare no Expense

in finding you the best Retirement home.

 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 

I love you Mom

 
 
 

The Battle of Trabajo Final

May 4, 2011

Once upon a time there was a little girl named Emily. She was slave to the Great Professor who forced her to write research papers for him to read. She had no breaks, little food, and a constant headache.
 
 

 
 
One day, the Great Professor told Emily to write the biggest of all research papers. It was to be eight pages long, written entirely in Spanish, and have seven sources. She worked diligently, and at the end of three long days, she determined that it was complete.
 
 
But the evil monster, Virusicula, had a very different idea.
 
 

 
 
While Emily went to look up one final piece of knowledge, he raped her laptop, giving it all sorts of horrible STDs. Then, because he’s one sneaky son-of-a-bitch, he came back disguised as Lady Vista Anti-Virus, offering to track down the evil rapist monster *and* cure her laptop’s STDs – all for the low price of $99.99!
 
 

 
 
Emily saw right through his disguise. She called upon her protector, Lord William Snoopy-Miller, to chase away the evil monster. Using the power of his ingenious weapon, le Wifi, Lord William cast spell after spell at Virusicula.
 
 
But Virusicula was very powerful, and his friend, the Duke of Energy, stepped in to aid him in the battle. The Duke demolished le Wifi, leaving Lord William powerless.
 
 
Emily fled to her home, mourning the tragic loss of her protector, and fearing the wrath of the Great Professor should she be unable to finish the research paper.
 
 
Just then, she felt a faint chill about her. She called out, fearing that another of Virusicula’s henchmen had come to give her laptop more STDs. Yet, instead she heard the voice of Lord William. She looked about and saw no sight of him, but she could hear his voice clearly on the wind, telling her the spells she would need to destroy Virusicula forever.
 
 

 
 
Just then Virusicula popped up out of nowhere. Emily cast her first spell, and it left him paralyzed and unable to fight back. Then Emily began a series of long-winded spells, each one diminishing his power little by little. By the end of the next day, Emily cast her last spell, banishing Virusicula back into the virtual realm.
 
 

 
 
But her terror was not yet over. The Great Professor still wanted his research paper, and it was due in less than three hours. Emily stuggled, using all of her strength, to produce a paper like the one that the evil Virusicula had destroyed.
 
 
When the Great Professor arrived, she had not finished. There were only four pages where there should have been eight, and only five sources where there should have been seven.
 
 

 
 
The Great Professor grimaced, called to his guards, and ordered them to chop off her foot.
 
 
Emily fought against the guards, trying desperately to explain to the Great Professor why her paper was not complete. Just as the ax grazed her ankle, the Duke of Energy burst through the door.
 
 

 
 
He was remorseful for aiding Virusicula by destroying the great and powerful weapon, le Wifi. The Duke then gladly signed a report attesting to his guilt in the missing paper, and with that kind of documentation, the Great Professor could no longer remove Emily’s foot.
 
 

The End

 
 
 

Emily Meets the Easter Bunny

April 24, 2011


 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 
 

 
 

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